My boyfriend and I have broken up for the final time. I haven't been making him happy and he seems to be miserable when he needs to be around me. I've messed up in so many ways: clinging too tightly, caring too much, controlling whatever I can, and forcing my attention and my love on him. Now he's gone, moving out by Saturday. He has found a new place to live, with roommates his own age and he will be living in a beautifully-kept home. I am happy for him, but I will miss him so much that the thought of not seeing him makes me gasp for breath. (I know, a little pathetic.)
Anyway, he gets so angry sometimes, when I had no intention of hurting his feelings or making him angry. He is super-sensitive towards me and I almost tiptoe around him. Argh! Talking to him doesn't help. We have moments when I think he might still be able to get along with me and that we can be good friends again someday. Then, of course, he says something that hurts me, like, "I'm just tired of dealing with you." Ouch. My bad.
You're wondering, "Exactly when does this sad woman have an opportunity to laugh?" Well, he still does kind things for me, taking up a lot of his own time. It adds to my sadness that he couldn't be happy with me.
Today's laugh is as follows. I had to buy a new laptop. He had wanted to buy one for me and I asked him to wait, since we need to watch our money supply during the summer. Even though we are broken up, he moved all of my old files to the new one, set up the household network, and made sure that the problematic household printer works with my new computer. I have been using the hell out of this thing ever since I got home. I thanked him profusely and he just said, "Well, I said I would do it."
When I discovered that he had even made sure the printer works, I looked at my daughter and laughed, " He even set up the printer. That makes me love him so much more. That little shit!" I haven't laughed much since last Wednesday. I'm glad that I can laugh, even when it concerns him. I will always love him... and possibly need him in my life. He's moving on, following his dreams, and his bliss. I will follow mine, and continue loving him.
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